Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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