Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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