Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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