I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
even my farts smell like vagina
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
