I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Randomize
