He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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