he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
