Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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