he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
