walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
