Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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