We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
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Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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