Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
