Is it because I queefed?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
