I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
