hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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