got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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