if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
