He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
