I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
