I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
