Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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