After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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