I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
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Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
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You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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