never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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