I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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