I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
