yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
