Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
