Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
