Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
