Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
