My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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