Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize