im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
