Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
