I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
