Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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