I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
