He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
