im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
