I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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