I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
