You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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