that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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