I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
