i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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