it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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