Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
And then my night got REAL pukey
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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