Your dad touched me again.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
