If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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