70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
