So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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