Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
