This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
