I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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