PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i love accidental penises.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
